I admit here, however, that back-to-back ZOOM meetings from 8 a.m. until 10 p.m. is a little too much. It's actually severe. When I went to sleep late last night, I couldn't get the glowing glare out of my eyes. I also had a sore butt and aching back. I was sitting for 13-hours, with only one of the hours, walking Glamis The Wonder Dog (in the subarctic temperatures, which we had to cut short because it actually hurt to be outside),
One of the meetings yesterday was predicted to be cantankerous, but ended up being productive, smooth, and strategic. I worry at times that my honesty and willingness to speak the truth will totally throw others off course. You catch me at the right time, and I can flood you in a tsunami of frustration, aggravation, anger, and stress. I try to be diplomatic and logical, and I hate when I'm on edge and explode. That's all a matter of timing, thought. Yesterday, I was focused. My intent was to be zip-lipped and aloof, but I was triggered into being inquisitive, purposeful, and smart. I was crafty in how I did this, because in previous conversations, I was ostracized, scape-goated, and made out to be a fool. I actually had steam coming out of my ears and this ongoing fire inside my blood ever since.
Oh, well. I can believe full-heartedly in my ethics and sense of doing the right thing. Others can believe the total opposite. At the impasse, all I have is the serenity prayer.
I spoke from the heart yesterday, and was surprised when my cell-phone blew up with thank-you's, appreciation, and respect from many of my colleagues who have been silent. I guess I was speaking truth to power in a kind, methodical, and professional way. Behind the scenes, it's ugly. They don't want to hear it. They want to do what they want to do. I tried to get them to hear what I had to say, and I was ignored. In fact, I was made to look like the rebel-rouser and obstacle to all that is great in the world.
In yesterday's meeting, however, I played a role of diplomacy, inquisitiveness, teamwork, and wonder. I posited the same concerns I had before, but put them into question forms that all of us need to think about. Rather than speak from emotion, I realized I have no power and forces that be will always be what they are. Forceful. Instead, I wanted to be a collaborator who thought out loud about what may be missing. I didn't realize it, but it came across smooth and friendly...
...charming...(Um, that's an adjective meant for a Prince, not Crandall)
That is far from what I've felt in my heart and mind. My closest friends know exactly my frustrations since 2021 kicked off and my anger that I've expressed to them. They say, "This isn't good. This is not like you. I'm glad you are fighting for what you believe in, but don't let it burn you out.'
My horoscope is not that of Capricorns, so I'm interested that someone would send me there horoscope while thinking, "Here. This should be your horoscope for today" (picture above). Mine is actually, "It might be time to release or let go of a relationship even if it might feel too scary to do so. Be mindful of seeing only what you want to see in the situation. Trust yourself."
I'm pretty good about trusting myself, and I've been keeping my eyes on the future and the moves I might need to make. Yet, the text messages and affirmation I received from the majority, simply made me realize that I'm not alone. In fact, I'm among the majority. It's just that too many people don't like to speak against an authority pushing their agendas, and if they want to articulate their concerns, they don't know how to put it in a politically savvy way.
I don't know either. I do know that a level-headed approach works better than a non-level-headed approach. Of course, it's impossible to be level headed when one is at their breaking point...
...which is the point.
Period.
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